The shift

I have, in the past, been hesitant to talk about, blog about, post about anything to do with fitness (or anything I do well, to be quite frank). Why? Well, cynicism mostly---directed mainly at myself. I am my own bully. The minute I start to share a success or an accomplishment I start reminding myself of the million things I perceive to be wrong with me and hit the 'delete without saving' button.

But, I'm going to stop that now.

I'm going to stop using me as my own punching bag. There are a number of reasons why - and I will be sharing those in different posts, of course.

But it was over my daily lunch hour work out that I really starting thinking this through, and this is why I'm sharing a bit about my struggle with fitness and shaking that mindset that I'm going to fail.

A little background

 I have a history of being consistently inconsistent. You know, one of those people who goes to the gym for three months - hardcore, talks about it constantly, morphs their self-identity into 'the one who works out all the time'- then stops completely and is left wearing her Lululemon to the movies (eating XL bags of popcorn, of course) instead of to the gym.

It wasn't for lack of desire to get in shape and be healthy. I went to all sorts of lengths to try and keep myself motivated. I'd post pictures of skinny, bikini-clad women on my fridge, I'd create or join fitness-focussed Facebook groups to feed off the successes of others, I'd download apps, I subscribed to Women's Health, I'd sign up for 5K runs.

I did this over and over and over again but without success: never seeing results, cancelling subscriptions, cancelling gym memberships, cancelling race entries- it took a toll on my resolve and self esteem. It got much easier to believe that I really can't do it; that I shouldn't even try.

And that mindset has always been why I've stopped short of celebrating my successes and milestones with many people-let alone in a public venue. My own voice would scream back at me. You're just gonna quit again. You're overweight, nobody is going to believe that you're going to stick with the gym this time. People can see right through you, they know it's not going to last. Terrible things to say, right? And, in my mind, if I was thinking those things surely other people were too.

Then something magical happened - like, unicorn magical. A thought occurred, and for once, it stuck.


Those things just aren't true (well, actually it ended with a DUH, but that didn't sound very encouraging...)


I had concrete evidence that even I couldn't dispute. Holy shitballs, I've been going to the gym, consistently, for two years! I've actually had to buy new gym clothes, not because I'd outgrown my old ones, but because I'd sweat so much in them that just wouldn't stop stinking-no matter how often I wash them.

I did it. I'm IN. I can't deny it, and I stopped trying. The gym administration knows me. The super-fit girls invite me to boot camp with them. I've had pints with the trainer. And as much as I'd like to attribute this to some weird coincidence or pity-fueled inclusionary scheme - I can't. I've done it all myself. And I'm proud of it.

So, how did this happen?

Getting to this point was no easy feat. And to be quite honest, it was a struggle to figure out exactly how it happened---how I became consistent, how I figured out a way to motivate myself without the use of external sources. But I have some ideas, of course. Why would I be writing this if I didn't?

To be clear, though. My reasons and insights aren't the ones you read about in health magazines or on popular diet websites. I didn't have an epiphany, I didn't have a health scare. And I'm not the 'after' product of an inspirational weight loss story. I'm still very much somewhere in the middle. I'm still overweight, I still eat things that are bad for me and I still miss workouts. But the difference is - I've kept going back and I haven't resigned myself to a life of being a serial quitter.

Can you relate to me? 

I'm not going to ever subscribe to clean eating, to a vegan lifestyle and I will always love beer and Big Macs. I am not looking to overhaul my current lifestyle. I'm just making enough of a shift that I stay happy, let go of the self-sabotage and enjoy being me.

Stay tuned!