Awful date #2

The midget who left me short

This date is probably my favorite one to tell people. It was the kind of thing that I had really only seen on t.v. or in bad country music videos. Until now.

So, typical internet dating story line.

He messaged me, I verified that he a) was human b) could spell at least 85% of his words properly and c) was over 5 ft 2 (more to come on this later....).

We exchanged numbers and a texting relationship commenced. Simple enough.

I have a time limit when it comes to texting, however. And here's why.

If you don't buck up and ask me out within a 3-4 day span, it is safe to assume that you're either way fatter than you claim OR you're married. Each possibility is equally gross (double gross if you're both fat AND married).

So, this dude was pushing my 4 day texting limit, but was funny and smart enough to warrant me taking the first stab at a date. So, I throw out my flirtiest emoticons and suggest maybe he take me out sometime.

Now, this should've been my first sign that he was odd. He would agree with me that yes, we should hang out, but then never actually suggest anything.

Ok, so it's a bit strange, but I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's just a bit shy. Fair enough. He is ON a dating site after all. That typically implies that one is ready to date. Right?

Finally, we manage to make tentative Friday night plans. I was going to be out to dinner with some friends downtown, and so I suggested he come meet up with me later and we'd go somewhere together. He agreed. All good.

As I'm sitting having dinner with my friends, he texts me non-stop, asking what I'm doing, am I still with my friends, do I still want to meet, etc etc. It's getting late, and he's still sitting at home texting me, instead of driving down to commence our actual "date". Hmmm.

So, at this point, I'm over it. I tell him not to bother coming down, as it was getting late and I was tired and ready to go home. Well, all of a sudden, dude is magically on his way down to meet me.

"No, don't leave!"

"I'm almost there. Please stay. I'm so excited to meet you."

Sigh. I had planned on splitting a cab home with my buddy, as it was going to save each of us a few bucks. But, my buddy convinced me to stay, go on my date, and then meet up with him afterwards for post-date analysis.

I agreed.

We had already left the restaurant and so I just headed down the street to another spot and told the guy I'd meet him there. I wait for another 15 minutes for him to show.

Finally I see him out the window. Crap. Hoodie, skinny jeans, and NOT 5'2. Double crap. I had spent all this time waiting to go on a date with freakin' Billy Talent.

Well, again, I'm pretty easy-going, so I hope for the best and put on my biggest first date smile and the date begins. The conversation is decent, somewhat awkward, but definitely not intolerable. Ok, ok, all might not be lost here. I mean, he did seem a bit twitchy, but again, I chalked it up to shyness and carried on.

So midget dude's phone 'goes off' and he says he'll be right back.

Five minutes later. He's not back.

Ten minutes later. He's not back.

It suddenly occurs to me that he isn't coming back. Oh. Em. Gee.

I text him: "Did you seriously leave?".

Immediately he writes back: "Yah, sorry, I had to go".

Uh, what? That's it?

So, I inform him, very nicely, that we are adults and there are ways to end dates that don't involve faking phone calls and running away. He said it was too awkward and he has a hard time with confrontation. Soooooooooo, of course, the obvious solution is to just plain leave.

Oh, and stick me with his $2.50 pepsi tab. Jerk.

Anyways, after I explain to him that he's pretty much wasted my night, he starts messaging me like crazy, all over again, saying how terrible he feels now, and that he wants to come back, and it's just that it's been so long since he's been on a date.

Now it's clear to me that this guy is just an emo-dork with no clue about interacting with women.

Anger wears off, the funny starts to take over.

I wish him luck and head back to my buddy's place for a few laughs.

He texts me the next day asking me out again.

Memoirs of an internet dating account

Well, it is with great pleasure that I can announce the retirement of my internet dating career. It was a good run and I had some good times, but man it feels good to date in 3D again.

Was it worth it? Absolutely.

Not only did I end up meeting someone fantastic, and even a few new friends, I also have at least 20 cocktail parties worth of horrible dating stories.

Not planning on being at a cocktail party with me anytime soon? No problem. You can just read about each and every horrendous date right here.

Starting.....................

Now.

Awful date 1.

The Van down by the River

Ok, so it wasn't down by a river, but it was a van, and it was down by my house.

That's right. This guy's idea of a first date was coffee, in his company van, parked around the corner from my house.

Now, I take full blame for actually agreeing to go on this date, but for the record, the initial invitation involved the phrases "pick you up in my company van" and "go sit at a coffee shop", not "pick you up in my company van" and "that's all I'm going to do".

So, this dude shows up at my place, texts me to tell me he's outside waiting (bad date sign #1) and I head out to meet him. I hop in his van, greet a giant man who resembles an overweight Lex Luger, and we proceed to drive to our date destination. Three seconds later: arrive at date destination. He parallel parks in between two cars, hands me my coffee and tells me he can't actually go to a coffee shop because he's on-duty. Huh?

Alright, so I'm a pretty 'go with the flow' kind of person, and I try to make the best of the situation. We chat about his daughter, his job, his interests, his family---the usual first date conversation. The only problem was that throughout the entire conversation, he was staring straight ahead, looking out his windshield. Not once, aside from letting me in the car, did he actually look in my direction, save the occasional swift glance, which I'm assuming was just to make sure I was still there (he didn't really let me talk much).

Anyways, nearing what I thought was the end of our 'date', I discover he knows a bit about gas and heating. I use one of the two opportunities I had to speak to let him know about a problem I was having with my electric fireplace. He offers to have a look, telling me he can most likely fix it. I hesitated, but agreed. I figured at the very least, I could get a working fireplace out of this date.

So, I let him in, and he has the thing fixed in about five minutes. Perfect.

In my mind, this is the end of the date. I thank him and give the standard "I had a good time" line, but as I'm saying this, I'm also watching him sit down on my couch.

Ok? So maybe he had some more really interesting things to say.

I sit down, on my other couch, and he proceeds to provide me with his insights and opinions on first dates. He suggests, as an alternative to a 'stereotypical' first date, that we "pretend" we're a long-term couple and that I call him a pet name and he would do the same for me. He rationalizes "Well, at this point, we have nothing. So let's pretend we have each other. Let's pretend we're in love".

Uh, yah. So, turns out I was wrong about before. This was the end of the date.

Funny enough, I never heard from him again.

My loss. Definitely my loss.

More broken promises...

It's been nearly a year since my last post. Not too shabby. Do I know how to keep promises to myself or what?

I'll skip over making any new promises and just jump right back into this thang.

Topic of the day - online dating. It's a thing I'm trying. And it's weird.

I suppose I should have expected the mixed bag of oddballs that I've so far encountered online.I mean, let's look at the requirements to join the particular site I did:

1. Have a computer
2.

Oh, wait. That's it.

So, based on the merit criteria alone, I should have lowered my expectations way, way down. But being blindly optimistic about the quality of single men on the internet, I kept the bar slightly above 'scuzzy homeless man who eats his own snot' level.

Bad decision.

Of course I'd heard the stories about dating online. "No one is who they seem", "Guys are just on there for one thing", "Only desperate people go online to find relationships". etc, etc. But, no, It was going to be different for me. I would be able to spot the creeps, the midgets and the lonely men with doll collections. I wouldn't get hooked up with the weirdos. I convinced myself that my online men-screening filter was flawless. I was destined to meet 'the one' online---on a site named after the abundance of gill-bearing aquatic animals in this world.

Was I wrong?

That remains to be seen. However, regardless of the outcome of this venture, I am learning a lot about the parallel universe that is virtual dating.

First observation?

Online dating is a lot like being drunk. People look fuzzy, moral standards are non-existent and old fat men always think they have a shot.

I suppose it makes sense that hiding behind a computer screen gives one a false sense of courage (again-kind of like hiding behind 13 shots of tequila) but come on, am I really going to date you Mr. fifty-five year-old man with receding hair-line and 17 cats? Not likely.

Online daters, men and women alike, need to realize that online eventually turns into reality, again, kind of like how being drunk turns into a hangover. People wake up (meet in person), realize all is not what it seems (your pictures are from five years and fifty pounds ago) and more often than not, throw up.

Stay tuned for more insightful lessons from my virtual dating life...