Memoirs of an internet dating account

Well, it is with great pleasure that I can announce the retirement of my internet dating career. It was a good run and I had some good times, but man it feels good to date in 3D again.

Was it worth it? Absolutely.

Not only did I end up meeting someone fantastic, and even a few new friends, I also have at least 20 cocktail parties worth of horrible dating stories.

Not planning on being at a cocktail party with me anytime soon? No problem. You can just read about each and every horrendous date right here.

Starting.....................

Now.

Awful date 1.

The Van down by the River

Ok, so it wasn't down by a river, but it was a van, and it was down by my house.

That's right. This guy's idea of a first date was coffee, in his company van, parked around the corner from my house.

Now, I take full blame for actually agreeing to go on this date, but for the record, the initial invitation involved the phrases "pick you up in my company van" and "go sit at a coffee shop", not "pick you up in my company van" and "that's all I'm going to do".

So, this dude shows up at my place, texts me to tell me he's outside waiting (bad date sign #1) and I head out to meet him. I hop in his van, greet a giant man who resembles an overweight Lex Luger, and we proceed to drive to our date destination. Three seconds later: arrive at date destination. He parallel parks in between two cars, hands me my coffee and tells me he can't actually go to a coffee shop because he's on-duty. Huh?

Alright, so I'm a pretty 'go with the flow' kind of person, and I try to make the best of the situation. We chat about his daughter, his job, his interests, his family---the usual first date conversation. The only problem was that throughout the entire conversation, he was staring straight ahead, looking out his windshield. Not once, aside from letting me in the car, did he actually look in my direction, save the occasional swift glance, which I'm assuming was just to make sure I was still there (he didn't really let me talk much).

Anyways, nearing what I thought was the end of our 'date', I discover he knows a bit about gas and heating. I use one of the two opportunities I had to speak to let him know about a problem I was having with my electric fireplace. He offers to have a look, telling me he can most likely fix it. I hesitated, but agreed. I figured at the very least, I could get a working fireplace out of this date.

So, I let him in, and he has the thing fixed in about five minutes. Perfect.

In my mind, this is the end of the date. I thank him and give the standard "I had a good time" line, but as I'm saying this, I'm also watching him sit down on my couch.

Ok? So maybe he had some more really interesting things to say.

I sit down, on my other couch, and he proceeds to provide me with his insights and opinions on first dates. He suggests, as an alternative to a 'stereotypical' first date, that we "pretend" we're a long-term couple and that I call him a pet name and he would do the same for me. He rationalizes "Well, at this point, we have nothing. So let's pretend we have each other. Let's pretend we're in love".

Uh, yah. So, turns out I was wrong about before. This was the end of the date.

Funny enough, I never heard from him again.

My loss. Definitely my loss.