Awful date #2

The midget who left me short

This date is probably my favorite one to tell people. It was the kind of thing that I had really only seen on t.v. or in bad country music videos. Until now.

So, typical internet dating story line.

He messaged me, I verified that he a) was human b) could spell at least 85% of his words properly and c) was over 5 ft 2 (more to come on this later....).

We exchanged numbers and a texting relationship commenced. Simple enough.

I have a time limit when it comes to texting, however. And here's why.

If you don't buck up and ask me out within a 3-4 day span, it is safe to assume that you're either way fatter than you claim OR you're married. Each possibility is equally gross (double gross if you're both fat AND married).

So, this dude was pushing my 4 day texting limit, but was funny and smart enough to warrant me taking the first stab at a date. So, I throw out my flirtiest emoticons and suggest maybe he take me out sometime.

Now, this should've been my first sign that he was odd. He would agree with me that yes, we should hang out, but then never actually suggest anything.

Ok, so it's a bit strange, but I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's just a bit shy. Fair enough. He is ON a dating site after all. That typically implies that one is ready to date. Right?

Finally, we manage to make tentative Friday night plans. I was going to be out to dinner with some friends downtown, and so I suggested he come meet up with me later and we'd go somewhere together. He agreed. All good.

As I'm sitting having dinner with my friends, he texts me non-stop, asking what I'm doing, am I still with my friends, do I still want to meet, etc etc. It's getting late, and he's still sitting at home texting me, instead of driving down to commence our actual "date". Hmmm.

So, at this point, I'm over it. I tell him not to bother coming down, as it was getting late and I was tired and ready to go home. Well, all of a sudden, dude is magically on his way down to meet me.

"No, don't leave!"

"I'm almost there. Please stay. I'm so excited to meet you."

Sigh. I had planned on splitting a cab home with my buddy, as it was going to save each of us a few bucks. But, my buddy convinced me to stay, go on my date, and then meet up with him afterwards for post-date analysis.

I agreed.

We had already left the restaurant and so I just headed down the street to another spot and told the guy I'd meet him there. I wait for another 15 minutes for him to show.

Finally I see him out the window. Crap. Hoodie, skinny jeans, and NOT 5'2. Double crap. I had spent all this time waiting to go on a date with freakin' Billy Talent.

Well, again, I'm pretty easy-going, so I hope for the best and put on my biggest first date smile and the date begins. The conversation is decent, somewhat awkward, but definitely not intolerable. Ok, ok, all might not be lost here. I mean, he did seem a bit twitchy, but again, I chalked it up to shyness and carried on.

So midget dude's phone 'goes off' and he says he'll be right back.

Five minutes later. He's not back.

Ten minutes later. He's not back.

It suddenly occurs to me that he isn't coming back. Oh. Em. Gee.

I text him: "Did you seriously leave?".

Immediately he writes back: "Yah, sorry, I had to go".

Uh, what? That's it?

So, I inform him, very nicely, that we are adults and there are ways to end dates that don't involve faking phone calls and running away. He said it was too awkward and he has a hard time with confrontation. Soooooooooo, of course, the obvious solution is to just plain leave.

Oh, and stick me with his $2.50 pepsi tab. Jerk.

Anyways, after I explain to him that he's pretty much wasted my night, he starts messaging me like crazy, all over again, saying how terrible he feels now, and that he wants to come back, and it's just that it's been so long since he's been on a date.

Now it's clear to me that this guy is just an emo-dork with no clue about interacting with women.

Anger wears off, the funny starts to take over.

I wish him luck and head back to my buddy's place for a few laughs.

He texts me the next day asking me out again.

Memoirs of an internet dating account

Well, it is with great pleasure that I can announce the retirement of my internet dating career. It was a good run and I had some good times, but man it feels good to date in 3D again.

Was it worth it? Absolutely.

Not only did I end up meeting someone fantastic, and even a few new friends, I also have at least 20 cocktail parties worth of horrible dating stories.

Not planning on being at a cocktail party with me anytime soon? No problem. You can just read about each and every horrendous date right here.

Starting.....................

Now.

Awful date 1.

The Van down by the River

Ok, so it wasn't down by a river, but it was a van, and it was down by my house.

That's right. This guy's idea of a first date was coffee, in his company van, parked around the corner from my house.

Now, I take full blame for actually agreeing to go on this date, but for the record, the initial invitation involved the phrases "pick you up in my company van" and "go sit at a coffee shop", not "pick you up in my company van" and "that's all I'm going to do".

So, this dude shows up at my place, texts me to tell me he's outside waiting (bad date sign #1) and I head out to meet him. I hop in his van, greet a giant man who resembles an overweight Lex Luger, and we proceed to drive to our date destination. Three seconds later: arrive at date destination. He parallel parks in between two cars, hands me my coffee and tells me he can't actually go to a coffee shop because he's on-duty. Huh?

Alright, so I'm a pretty 'go with the flow' kind of person, and I try to make the best of the situation. We chat about his daughter, his job, his interests, his family---the usual first date conversation. The only problem was that throughout the entire conversation, he was staring straight ahead, looking out his windshield. Not once, aside from letting me in the car, did he actually look in my direction, save the occasional swift glance, which I'm assuming was just to make sure I was still there (he didn't really let me talk much).

Anyways, nearing what I thought was the end of our 'date', I discover he knows a bit about gas and heating. I use one of the two opportunities I had to speak to let him know about a problem I was having with my electric fireplace. He offers to have a look, telling me he can most likely fix it. I hesitated, but agreed. I figured at the very least, I could get a working fireplace out of this date.

So, I let him in, and he has the thing fixed in about five minutes. Perfect.

In my mind, this is the end of the date. I thank him and give the standard "I had a good time" line, but as I'm saying this, I'm also watching him sit down on my couch.

Ok? So maybe he had some more really interesting things to say.

I sit down, on my other couch, and he proceeds to provide me with his insights and opinions on first dates. He suggests, as an alternative to a 'stereotypical' first date, that we "pretend" we're a long-term couple and that I call him a pet name and he would do the same for me. He rationalizes "Well, at this point, we have nothing. So let's pretend we have each other. Let's pretend we're in love".

Uh, yah. So, turns out I was wrong about before. This was the end of the date.

Funny enough, I never heard from him again.

My loss. Definitely my loss.

More broken promises...

It's been nearly a year since my last post. Not too shabby. Do I know how to keep promises to myself or what?

I'll skip over making any new promises and just jump right back into this thang.

Topic of the day - online dating. It's a thing I'm trying. And it's weird.

I suppose I should have expected the mixed bag of oddballs that I've so far encountered online.I mean, let's look at the requirements to join the particular site I did:

1. Have a computer
2.

Oh, wait. That's it.

So, based on the merit criteria alone, I should have lowered my expectations way, way down. But being blindly optimistic about the quality of single men on the internet, I kept the bar slightly above 'scuzzy homeless man who eats his own snot' level.

Bad decision.

Of course I'd heard the stories about dating online. "No one is who they seem", "Guys are just on there for one thing", "Only desperate people go online to find relationships". etc, etc. But, no, It was going to be different for me. I would be able to spot the creeps, the midgets and the lonely men with doll collections. I wouldn't get hooked up with the weirdos. I convinced myself that my online men-screening filter was flawless. I was destined to meet 'the one' online---on a site named after the abundance of gill-bearing aquatic animals in this world.

Was I wrong?

That remains to be seen. However, regardless of the outcome of this venture, I am learning a lot about the parallel universe that is virtual dating.

First observation?

Online dating is a lot like being drunk. People look fuzzy, moral standards are non-existent and old fat men always think they have a shot.

I suppose it makes sense that hiding behind a computer screen gives one a false sense of courage (again-kind of like hiding behind 13 shots of tequila) but come on, am I really going to date you Mr. fifty-five year-old man with receding hair-line and 17 cats? Not likely.

Online daters, men and women alike, need to realize that online eventually turns into reality, again, kind of like how being drunk turns into a hangover. People wake up (meet in person), realize all is not what it seems (your pictures are from five years and fifty pounds ago) and more often than not, throw up.

Stay tuned for more insightful lessons from my virtual dating life...

So, turns out I am still alive....

Wow. Quel surprise, I'm back and not skinny. I just spent the last 20 minutes reading over all my blogs from last year. Man, do I know myself well or what. I pretty much met every "expectation" I had planned to. I dropped out of weight watchers, totally gave up on eating any semblance of healthy food, AND I stopped blogging. I need to go into politics. I'd be good @ it, I think.

Anyways, let's look on the bright side here and pat myself on the back for returning to le blog. I enjoyed blogging and can't remember why I stopped, but i'd like to get back into it, dawg!

Lots has happened since I last wrote here, and I'm not going to talk about any of it!

I'm rejoining weight watchers next week. Size 14 is not for me. Let's just hope it agrees. I'm going to be spending the next little while searching for my lost motivation. I know it's around somewhere....maybe in one of the boxes I haven't unpacked yet at my new place. Meh. I'll find it! And when I do......look out.

OK. This is my "get over the hump blog". It's not funny, or particularly interesting but hey, it's something. It's a moral victory. Like when you run for five minutes on the treadmill and think you've actually accomplished exercise....suuuure,......I mean, you've gotten over the hump, for sure, and that's great, but in reality, you probably burnt the amount of calories contained in a cheerio.

Wow. Where the F did that come from? I gotta go.

1/2 a pound...

It's how I order my deli meat and it's also how much weight I lost this week.

I'm pretty happy with the loss as my week was less active then it usually is. So yay me. But really, it's time to shape up and get my arse back to the gym on a very regular basis.

Right now at the gym I'm in a six week cycle of heavy weight lifting with my trainer, Lindz. It's pretty fun but it also leaves me paralyzed for the next two days. Last night I did tricep supersets, which sounds very exciting right? It's not. It's basically just intense, unstoppable torture to my poor teeny, tiny triceps that leaves me unable to so much as tie my hair in a pony tail for the rest of the week. Ouch. So people, I expect LOTS of compliments on my great looking triceps in the near future :)

Anyways, aside from my gym antics, I also discovered my new favorite food this week...tortilla pizzas!! Last night I ate two, all for only seven points. Here's how I make them:

2 Dempsters body wise tortillas
2 tbsp tomato paste
4 tbsp salsa
1C (or whatever amount you like) chopped red/green peppers
1/4 of an onion, chopped
50g (three slices approx) of low fat ham, chopped.
2/3 C part-skimmed shredded mozzarella cheese

Spread 1 tbsp of tomato paste on each wrap. Then spread 2tbsp of salsa on each as well. Top with green/red peppers, onions and ham. Spread the cheese evenly over the two pizzas. Bake at 425 Celcius for 12-14 mins or until cheese is bubbling. The end!

It's such a quick, easy and low-point supper that I just want to eat them every night. And maybe I will...you should too :)

So, on the wedding front, things seem to be progressing well. I'm stuck trying to figure out where to honeymoon. We're really hoping to go somewhere in Europe, however those darn "down south" all-inclusives are just calling our names with their cheap prices. Ack. What to do, what to do.

Also, I have a big announcement. I've decided to make table-runners! Crazy eh? Yes? No? Anybody? I'm ordering fabric off Etsy and me and me Ma are gonna go sewing crazy. Oh the joys of wedding planning....they're neverending!!

OK, I'm off to bask in table-runner joy...so until next time all :)

El lazy-ars...

Well, I'm back. Miss me? Probably not eh? Anyways, it's been a long time since I've been here and quite honestly I have no real excuse besides being too lazy to be witty and interesting. How lazy is that? I think that might be the height of laziness. Oh well. I'm too lazy to care. ha.

Anyways, things have been going well for me over the past few weeks. I've FINALLY reached my 10lb lost mark. Hurrah. And I did it despite being on vacation. How much do I rule? I'm pretty pleased with myself but I also know, based on my previous attempts at weight loss, that it's about this time that I start getting a bit too lax with my eating. So I'm really trying to stay focused on eating well and exercising often. Easier said than done, though, especially when cake and chips are constantly finding their way into my cupboards. How exactly do I stop that again? I can't seem to remember.

So, in addition to the weight loss stuff, my summer has been going pretty well. Jack has been his usual hilarious self, despite his new found love of the word "NO". Everything is "NO"...even when it's "YES". Hmmmm, no means yes...NOT a good lesson to be teaching my son.

Jack aside, I have a feeling that this blog might be turning into a crazy bride forum in the near future, so this is your official warning. I'm getting married on Oct 24th and it's creeping up REALLY fast now. Money is literally flying out of my pockets as we speak. We've done a pretty decent job at keeping our expenses to a minimum without sacrificing the awesomeness of the day which is no easy task. But really, when flowers cost 1200 dollars, there's only so much penny pinching one can do! A girl needs her gerbers.

Weddings do funny things to women. I mean, if you know me at all, you know that I could care less about ribbons, bows or flowers, but for the past week my biggest stressor has been trying to figure out how on earth I'm going to get Ian's boutonniere to match his tie. Seriously. This is my life now. Feel free to ignore my calls and make excuses not to hang out with me. The real Courtney will return on Oct 25th at approximately 3am. I swear.

OK. Enough for now! Enjoy this crappy, rainy day everyone!

Kissing your sister...

Isn't that what they call a tie in hockey? Well, it's also what they should call a one lb weight loss on Weight Watchers. It's an ok accomplishment, because a loss is a loss, but it's just so boring, especially after working so hard all week long.

Regardless, it's one pound I will never see again. Hurrah!

On a more exciting note, I had my trainer/buddy Linsday do my body phat (yes...that's how I spell it)measurements last week and turns out I've lost 3% of my body phat. Score. That also means that I've gained lean muscle mass and hey, who can complain about that. Not I. So, all in all, I continue to be motivated. I've lost 7.5lbs in 4 weeks. That's pretty great. Only 2.5 more pounds till the big 10.

Aside from my weight loss gossip, nothing incredibly exciting has been going on lately. Ian and I did get to witness a very strange lady walking down Hunt Club Road in nothing but a string bikini. And when THAT is the highlight of my week, you know it's been a dull one :)

So, I apologize for the lack of sharp wit and sarcastic remarks. I will try to shake it up a bit more next time!

Peace out, homes!